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[03 May 2008|09:01pm] |
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Does everyone feel emotions?
cause I don't think I do.
All the things that use to inspire me, now don't. That which made me happy, now doesn't. Those that made me cry, now can't.
Maybe I do just really enjoy insulting people, but I can't make friends. I don't like them and I'm done with getting into weird situations other people tend to bring.
I think I need to get a hold of reality.
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| revelation |
[27 Jun 2007|01:45pm] |
theres only 2 things i will ever in my lifetime need to finish my life to the absolute best that i can.
myself and god.
i know not everyone believes in god - so if you dont you have two options.
1. you can either choose not to bother hearing anothers opinion to possibly open your eyes
or
2. why the hell not im bored anyway
but i warn you now this is only for people who have felt pain, hurt, happiness, anger, love, care, grief, sadness, selfish, wrong, bad, stupid, worthless, and every possible emotion possible.
this is how i feel and im only try to tell my philosophy so please dont for once feel offended by my words, as you will be able to understand what i mean by the time im finished. this is not easy to explain.
this is about being comepltly at peace with life. this is about removing all of the things that make us feel upset, hurt, broken, sad, hateful, embarassed, nervous, anxious, depressed, bi polar, confused, and worst of all worthless and fear.
i am going to tell you my story as to how i conquered this task that no one can just explain because everyone is different, so from the best of my ability i am going to try to make as much sense as possible because i am supposed to.
i am supposed to be writing this right now at this very second.
YOU are supposed to be reading this right now at this very second.
God has a plan. He knows more then we will ever understand. God is that comfort you get when everything in a day seems to not go your way, but suddenly something so tiny and possibly stupid gives you a 'you know what. im going to be alright.'
God is hope.
You HAVE to get hurt time and time and time AND TIME AND TIME AGAIN.
God works in mysterious ways.
i am a normal everyday person who just so happened to wake up 'one day' and time after time (im talking about every few hours to every hour to ever couple minutes and now its all the time) i started to feel god.
the only thing he asks from you is to believe in him.
after you start to 'see' it (and no he is not going to
to want him in your life you must truly ask him into your heart. you must TRY to understand him.
because he understands everyone.
I try. I understand that
Do you really think that happiness comes from things you lack?
Those are wants. NOT THE SAME. If you want to take this seriously then
God is that feeling that your not supposed to do something.
God is that inner-concious.
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| are you crying because your lonely? or are you crying because your alone? |
[08 Feb 2007|01:05pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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Hey
It's been a long time and I actually forgot about this.
I guess I just want to start using it again because everyone is fake and no one is a true friend, so instead of keeping everything inside i should probably vent on here.
To start out ive been clean for like.... a really long time now.
Ive been with a total of 18 guys in the last year, making an average of relationships approxiamtely two weeks.
After two years of being in love with the most amazing boy in the world, who used me, I FINALLY started dating him on november 15th.
Dont get too happy for me we broke up on December 10th, Pats birthday.
I gave him everything.
I gave him a place to stay.
I bought him food.
I took him out everynight and paid for him.
I bought him cigarettes over me.
I drove him everywhere.
I bought him concert tickets.
I drove him to work.
I made him lunch everyday and dropped it off when he forgot it.
I loved him and would have given him the world, probably still will.
Use me once shame on you,
Use me twice shame on me.
but somehow for almost a month he told me how much he loved me but then suddenly '... yeah I tried it and it just didn't work. I lied about loving you cause I wanted to.'
Whatever. No more calling him. No more driving to his house. No more begging for him back.
I am done and I am alot stronger.
Wow I have so much to say here I dont even think I can start.
Maybe Ill try back in a few hours when I get my thoguhts together.
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[08 May 2006|03:22pm] |
So I found this awesome site, it only lets you have one free credit to do one ringtone, but u can put a link and you get 4 each time someone clicks it (what im doing). but still its pretty sweet even if you only use your first free one.
basically you can pick any song on your computer, and you can customize what part of the song you want as your ringtone. its sweet because you dont have to like search for a certain song then have to pick from like 4 from the artist and whatever.
so anyway go here.
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[08 Jan 2006|09:03am] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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if any time in the next week it goes below freezing the 30 case me and kim bought last night is going to explode.
which could actually be hilarious if it wasnt a waste of 22 beers.
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[20 Dec 2005|04:34pm] |
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mood |
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so we leave at 7 30 to go to my license test and stop at starbucks.
by 8 i realize i forgot my permit. this place is like 20-30 minutes away. somehow we get there at like 8 32.
i get cramps from my peppermint frap and the guy comes out. my dad forgot to fill out some form that stated ive driven 50 hours. he checked my lights and stuff but when he said brakes they didnt go on because i had the parking brake on.
to start i hit the gas and the car jumped. then we rolled like 2 inchs in 10 seconds to the first stop sign (like 10 feet away).
i fucked up parallel parking so he told me to do it again. i didnt really do it the second time either.
it was a 35 mile per hour road and i went 45.
he told me to slow down and i put my foot on the brake but 5 seconds later he was like SLOW DOWN! i had to turn and barely made it.
...and I PASSED!
yeah wtf? but whatev :]
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[10 Dec 2005|10:23pm] |
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mood |
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 . |
] |
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music |
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regina spektor - braille |
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oh yeah and i think im over shea. took 7 months but whatev. clearly hes not over it yet since he still cant talk to me like a normal person.
and fantasizing about him doesnt count
cause i am a nympho. but arent we all
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[10 Dec 2005|10:10pm] |
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mood |
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i think i made a really good point how everything is just a memory.
i guess as soon as i get my license im going to go crazy and have as much fun as possible.
because when i get older i want to look back at high school as the best years of my life. last year was awesome but this year isnt going as sweet. so in 10 DAYS i hope this all changes.
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| everything is just a memory |
[08 Dec 2005|08:45pm] |
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mood |
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 ? |
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music |
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give judy my notice - ben folds |
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i wrote this in late room. i dont really get what it means because i wasnt in a proper state of mind, but i think its pretty deep. i changed the subject like 84723 times and i have no idea how i skiped from one thing to another but whatev.
'when im sober im constantly thinking about myself and how others view me and thinking about what to do next. althought alot of times regret what i did 5 seconds later. constantly thinking about myself, how i look, what to do - all trying to impress others. i am always biting my lip or fingers, looking at the ground and i even fake yawn. i think im clinicly insane.
Diarys are so secret. its like your most personal writing and people just publish it. how embarassing> but when your old im sure its accomplishing.
when i speak like this i sound sad and depressed. maybe im just sad. or maybe i dont talk like this and i just think i do. i hate thinking about how others view me. this is whats going on in my head, not what im actually saying to people.
im always thinking about the future and not realizing everything is just a memory until of course, death. take everything slowly and not rush things. after i get my license yeah ill have so much more i can do but ill never be a kid again. and sean will never be back in highschool. i dont think ive grown up yet. im not ready to accept this.
and when theres snow i always stay up late, only setting up for dissapointment if theres not a snow day, which is typical. i should expect the worst in situations so i can be 'delightfuly surprised'. but in bad situations (like a death in the family or something) to look for the best.'
i had to edit it because it made absoulutly NO sense but now the points kinda do.
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[07 Dec 2005|06:04pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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GIVE JUDY MY NOTICE |
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soooo since the day i 'overdosed' i told people i was on heroin, acid, crystal meth, cocaine and wasted all at once. to show how retarded high school is, people SERIOUSLY believed me. not only would that KILL me or anything but the fact people think id really do that shit. i find it hilarious but after andrew called me a waste we havent talked at all- except for the times its just me and him in the hallway lockering (were like 5 away from each other) and since im awesome i always make him laugh. and im just like 'douchebag' and hes like 'yup.'
so anyway my phone has a text and its justin saying 'heroin? are you serious?'
so i texted him back TWICE like 'AHAHHAHA DID UR FRIENDS SAY THAT?!?' (because justins friends with all the fags in my school who dislike me) AND i left him a message explaining the whole rumor thing and to call me back to go out to lunch the next day or whatever since hes in dub c. first off - justin NEVER doesnt answer his phone OR respond to texts. so the fact he never did was weird.
finally he was online and i was talking to him like wtf is up with you and he was saying how they all thought i do heroin and everything (*NOTE* if u havent noticed ive NEVER done heroin --- although cheryl did and i couldve but i choose not to because im not retarded) so i was laughing and like 'DUDE - TELL THEM IM ADDICTED TO CRYSTAL METH AHAHAH THIS IS HILARIOUS' (never done that either)((and no i dont plan to ever)) so justin starts getting kinda bitchy and pissed off and i was like dude what is wrong with you and hes all
'why are you so pissed? the fact that people you dont like care about you?'
and i was all 'are u kidding?!?!?! they HATE me'
and he was all 'okay.'
and i was all 'where would u even get that?'
and he was all 'well andrew brought it up and they were like 'talk to her about it''
and i was all 'AHHAHAHA are u serious that kid hates me the most out of all of them!'
then he stoped talking to me and the next day his away message was
'Someone whom may not like you the slightest bit, still cares about you when its all said and done.
Haters truely love u'
it almost made me cry because maybe people do care about me.
and if u think i dont still have feelings for andrew, your wrong. im not sure why its not bothering me were not friends, but andrew is deffiently one of the most amazing guys ive ever met.
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[01 Dec 2005|08:23pm] |
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mood |
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 . |
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vegan again.
on the way home with maria we were talking about like animals being eaten and i decided to do it again.
the only reason i stopped was because i went to the beach for 2 weeks with a friend and didnt want to like burden her family or whatever and i guess i never like stoped.
i hate people who think their cool.
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[24 Nov 2005|10:53pm] |
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mood |
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 yay |
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i just talked to my mom and shes going to give me waldina petrovsky back :]
i love my mom.
and thats the first time ive said that in years.
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[24 Nov 2005|08:34pm] |
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mood |
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oh yeah and my parents took waldina petrovksy junior last night. im going to need that back, thanks.
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[24 Nov 2005|08:30pm] |
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mood |
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agreed to have a 3 some with greg and kylie for 2 ounces of shrooms.
the next few weeks should be pretty sweet.
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| my heart cant possibly break when it wasnt even whole to start with |
[22 Nov 2005|10:26pm] |
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mood |
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 . |
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music |
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aqualung - brighter then sunshine |
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Ive finally come to the conclusion i need to stop moping around about last years relationships and understand that i shouldnt cry over the fact it hurts-- but to reminisce of what was the most amazing times of my life. i shouldnt be upset over what once made me happy.
but seeing the leaves change color and feeling fall reminds me of me and daves walks to nowhere and shivering in the snow while shea holds me telling me to stop shaking
it just makes me feel so alone.
because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i dont know how to let anyone else in.
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[22 Nov 2005|06:01pm] |
it's hard to say that i was wrong
its hard to say that I miss you
since you've been gone it's not the same
and it's hard to say how i feel today
and i cry
oh yeah and last night my mom found worms or something crawling on our pantry ceiling and she like vacummed them and i had to look away cause i felt so bad for them.
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| i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you so much. |
[21 Nov 2005|08:40pm] |
Holding tight and try not to hide how I feel
'Cause feelings mean nothing now
now all those feelings
-those yesterdays feelings
will all be lost in time
but today
ive wasted away
cause today is on my mind.
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[19 Nov 2005|11:09pm] |
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mood |
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get out on the dancefloor. |
] |
you dont need a reason
to get out on the dancefloor
we can get it on and on
all night long.
www.menwomenandchildren.com/dance_in_my_blood.mp3
oh yeah, and i miss shea.
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| peace out faggots |
[19 Nov 2005|04:41pm] |
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mood |
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 grrrrrrrrr |
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I cant STAND henderson anymore. I never realized how much i hate every fucking person. if you dont believe that i was seriously just dehydrated, awesome. were not friends anymore.
'omg people are going around saying i fucking overdosed' 'loryn...i saw you on the stairs.' OH YES BECAUSE YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT WHAT I DID THEN I DO.
So im trying (again) to get my parents to let me go to palcs. org. i told my mom im not going to school this week - although i might go in tuesday just to skip. which will be the first day ive skipped this year!
but seriously on graduation day people are like going to be crying and stuff - im going to flick everyone off and be like PEACE OUT FAGGOTS
and i love how only one, count *ONE* person helped me when i DID faint.
THANKS KATE I LOVE YOU YOUR SUCH A SWEETHEART.
but i do have to give thanks to the amazing cc who walked me to my first period class (and let me clench the shit out of her arm when i fell) and kylie who went to 2nd period late because her and kate were goign to every bathroom looking for me.
oh and thanks everyone who was comforting me when i crying in the hallway yesterday.
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| 'she was obviously really fucked up. she fell down the stairs.' |
[17 Nov 2005|09:45am] |
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mood |
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 cunts. |
] |
So people are saying i fainted at school because i 'overdosed'.
this is BULLSHIT. i wasnt on anything and for the first time im realizing how fucked up everyone at high school is. why do people act like their 10?
and i love how the only people who believe me are the people who were IN the class when i ACTUALLY fainted.
so all you dumbfucks who think i 'overdosed', go faint and see if YOU can walk down the fucking stairs.
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